What I Need
by carby101
Summary: Abby's POV on the events in 'Rampage' and 'the longer you stay'. Her thoughts on both carter and luka. Please R


a/n- random thing , Abby's POV on the carby talk in rampage and the luby break-up in The longer you stay. R&R no flames.  
  
I don't want to be your friend.  
  
  
  
I can't believe he said that. It doesn't seem like him, it seems like I'm dreaming. I feel so far away from things, I feel like...... I can't explain. I can't imagine being without him, I managed before I met him, somehow. He's been my support, he's been my friend. My friend, nothing more, nothing less. At times I wished he was, when we went on that 'roadtrip' to get my Maggie I wanted him to realise that I do care about him. I care about him, more than I care about other people. At times, more than I care about myself.  
  
It scares me that for all this time we've been friends, he's felt something more for me. It scares me that he wants me to break up with Luka and it scares me that I might never be able to talk to him, like I have done lately.  
  
I guess I took him for granted, I told him all my troubles, my mom, Luka and I never for one minute considered that he wasn't happy with it. I just assumed so much and I hate myself for it.  
  
Wow, Abby's screwed up again. I screwed up things with my mom and I screwed up my marriage. I just can't do anything right. I want to be able to do something right. Things with Luka have been hard and I just can't stop myself comparing him to Carter. If he's there for me, Carter is there for me more, if he kisses me, I think that Carter could kiss me better. I don't know why I think like this, I just want everything to be normal.  
  
Normal. That's not me, I know it. Things are always going to go wrong for me and I managed to get myself into a corner where I thought that the only thing going right for me was Carter. How wrong was I? If he can treat me like this, he's not worth sparing a thought over. If he can treat me like this I don't need him. If he can treat me like this I don't want him.  
  
At the end of the day I'm going to go back to Luka. We're happy together and that is what I need. I need someone who makes me feel safe. He makes me happy and he makes me feel safe. He gives me what I need.  
  
  
  
  
  
You're not that pretty, You're not that special.  
  
  
  
This is the man that makes me feel safe speaking, this is the man who is supposed to make me happy. I'm not happy, I'm not sure if I ever was. Seeing the man who is supposed to love me, flirting in front of me, doesn't make me happy. What he said made me realise just how worthless I was to him. Carter became my safety-net lately. Whatever he said about not want to be my friend didn't work out. When I was unhappy I went to him and I started going to him more and more and more.  
  
I do love Luka, no matter what I say. He's going to take some getting over and I want to stay friends with him. He needs a friend. It takes a lot to understand him, but when you do he is worth knowing. He just isn't the one for me and I don't want to spend the rest of my life pretending. Pretending is a bad thing and I've done enough of it to last me the rest of my life  
  
  
  
I do have feelings for Carter, but I hide them. I don't want him to realise how I feel, because if anything did happen, it might ruin our friendship. The friendship that makes me feel vaguely normal.  
  
Normal. That's not me, I know it. Things are always going to go wrong for me and I managed to get myself into a corner where I thought that the only person I could be with was Luka. How wrong was I? If he can treat me like this, he's not worth sparing a thought over. If he can treat me like this I don't need him. If he can treat me like this I don't want him.  
  
At the end of the day I'm going to keep going back to Carter. He makes me happy and that is what I need. I need someone who makes me feel safe. He makes me happy and he makes me feel safe. He gives me what I need.  
  
  
  
Carter can have you.  
  
Carter will have me, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but he will. I love him and he loves me, we will be together, no matter what the people say.  
  
Luka will always hold a special place in my heart and maybe when I'm older, perhaps wiser I'll go back to that place. Right now I'm just a fool in love and my love isn't for him. My love is for the person whose heart I own and I plan to love that heart and keep it safe, for the rest of my life. 


End file.
